Author: Elizabeth Banak

The one about getting back to zero

Elizabeth Banak

Earlier this week, my 8-year-old son made his first reconciliation in the Catholic church. He had been quite excited about this for days beforehand, which struck me as a little odd. Not that he shouldn’t be excited to receive a sacrament in our church tradition, but it’s always been my experience that kids are generally nervous about this one. Afterall, you have to talk about all the bad things you’ve done! That can be daunting to anyone, let alone a child. I asked my son why he was so excited and he said, “Because I get to go back to zero, Mom.”

Back to zero. I thought about that all week and when he did finally receive the sacrament he came back to sit with our family again. I asked him how he felt now that he was all finished. He had the biggest smile on his face and was radiantly happy. He said, “It’s such a good feeling. It’s traveling all the way down my insides.” At that, I hugged him and reminded him what the priest had said only moments before, “Jesus picks us up and carries us when we need him to.” He said, “Yes, I feel it.” Even his older sister looked at me and said with a smile, “He’s looks so happy!” It was… heartwarming. And just the reminder this adult needed about the power of forgiveness. Of getting back to zero.

Forgiveness is probably one of the hardest things to ask for and can sometimes be even harder to give. We live in a world that celebrates the exact opposite. Never apologize, never let go of slights. Some see asking or conferring forgiveness as a sign of weakness. A sign you are just meant to be walked all over. But it’s exactly the opposite. It’s one of the greatest signs of strength there is. Asking someone for forgiveness when you’ve truly wronged them shows courage and determination. Conferring it on someone who has wronged you shows grace, understanding, and compassion. Neither mean we forget, but they mean we can move on from our mistakes and slights and hurts to start back at zero. Yes, we will likely screw up again. But making forgiveness a daily part of lives can mean we all walk like my son did from the confessional, with a beaming smile and a feeling in our insides that can only be described as peace.

It’s not easy. And I am surely guilty of not always living up to the words I am writing here. But seeing the effect forgiveness had on my son, whose greatest sin in life thus far was acting up in class or being mean to his sister, is something that I will always use as a reminder of the blessings of forgiveness and the power it can have in adding to our happiness. The freedom from past mistakes. The freedom from grudges and slights. The freedom to be able to say “Yes, I made a mistake but it doesn’t have to define my life in shame.”

It’s evident, especially in the current culture, that there is far too little forgiveness in this world. And we can all stand to be a little more like all those innocent 2nd graders were this week and see forgiveness for what it is, not a weakness to be condemned, but a strength to be celebrated. It’s the freedom to be made whole again, whether you’re the one being forgiven or doing the forgiving. It’s the chance to get back to zero.

The one with the unpopular opinion

Elizabeth Banak

I know this won’t be a popular opinion in some circles, but here it is on the covid shot. Get it or don’t, your choice. People who are or have gotten it aren’t mindless sheep bent on submitting to the will of the government because they just love tyranny. They are making the best choice for themselves based on their lives and what may be happening in it. People who choose not to or can’t get it are not selfish, science deniers who care nothing about others because they won’t be told what to do by ‘the man.’ They too are making the best decision for themselves based on their lives and what might be happening in it. Maybe you think either one of those people is wrong. Oh well. Not your life, not your choice. None of us have any idea what someone else may be going through in life that may influence their decision. We can speculate about motives and project our opinion onto those who walk a different path, but it won’t change the fact that they are free to walk that path and to do so with or without anyone else’s approval. If you’ve gotten the shot, great! That doesn’t make you a mindless sheep. If you haven’t gotten it, I assume you know better for yourself than I do for you and it’s not my damn business. That doesn’t make you an uneducated moron. We will always and forever be making different decisions from one another, and if that comes with a cost then I guess we just have to count that bill as the expense of a free society.

The point of this rantish post is simply this: the way to get others to see your point or your side isn’t through shaming them, yelling at them, calling them sheep, calling them selfish, or pretty much most of what I see on the news or social media and from both sides of the proverbial aisle. If you believe in the righteousness of your decisions then lead by example with kindness, compassion, and an open-mind. Or, just mind your own business. The mantra for a while was “we are all in this together.” But the reality is, we aren’t and the reason for that is because there are too many forces using what’s happening to bludgeon us into our little camps of for or against, just like always inevitably happens when the powers that be weaponize a tragedy for political gain. They win, we lose. Every. Single. Time. They aren’t the ones who have to continue to break bread with neighbors, or coworkers, or family members with different views. What do they care if they help rip those ties that bind us together if it means one more tally in their column? Sorry, I am not willing to play. 

And I know in many circles this is a truly unpopular opinion. But it’s the only one to have if you ever want to heal the country when this is all over. Otherwise, this may just be the thing that finally breaks us.

The one about 9/11

Elizabeth Banak

The world is weird, our country is in a very precarious place, and with absolutely everything being political and divisive, reflecting on the 20th anniversary of 9/11 is almost refreshing. Despite the horror of that day, 9/11 represents the best of what it means to be an American. It was a day that we rose to meet the challenges we faced together, as one nation in shared grief and the hope of a better tomorrow. We donated blood by the pint, we held hands with strangers in church, we volunteered in clean up efforts, we donated money, we lent a shoulder to cry on, and we remembered that in spite of our differences, we were a country united. And for a while, no one cared about who you voted for in the last election, or whether or not you were vaccinated, or if you lived in a red or a blue state. I know the unity didn’t last forever because the media and politicians can hardly make money on unity, but I will always remember 9/11 and those days that followed as a time I was incredibly proud of my country. To me, it’s a stark reminder of the need for a little perspective for what we’ve been through and a little gratitude for how we came through it. It seems crazy now to believe we could ever be that united again, especially with so many out there with a vested interest in keeping us divided. The division I see now in the country, exacerbated by politicians, the media, and sadly by us on social media reflect a country divided by fear, politics, and desire to tear down rather than build up. A desire to trade freedom for a false sense of safety. A desire to cast off fellow Americans for having differing opinions. A desire to reduce those with whom we disagree to dumb, selfish, racist, socialist, or just plain evil. A desire to trash America for past faults without realizing America has been the greatest beacon of hope and freedom the world has ever known. A desire to signal virtue without actually affecting any real change. So now I look at the commemoration of 9/11 as a beacon of hope that all can be made right again if we can just remember that we are Americans first, not Republican or Democrats, not vaccinated or unvaccinated, not red or blue states. Perhaps it’s a naive hope, but the alternative is to give in and give up. We are going through many tragic things as a nation now and we are very divided. But as 9/11 showed us, wonderful things can be born out of tragedy, but only if we have the wisdom and perspective to harness what is good and the eternal gratitude that ensures we will remember it forever. If we can do that, those precious souls that died on 9/11 and our brave men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice after will not have given their lives in vain. God bless America now and always!

The one about the joy of grief

Elizabeth Banak

What is grief, if not love persevering? – Vision

Nine years ago today, I lost my mother to cancer. It is not an understatement to say that it was probably the worst time in my life. I lost my best friend, my cheerleader, my rock, and the woman who helped shape me into the person I am today.

In just a few short weeks we will all commemorate the 20th anniversary of 9/11 and wonder where the time went as we reflect on that terrible day. We will remember with sadness those people who died, a country that mourned, and a wound that may have healed but that still leaves a scar. 

It’s very easy to look back on both of those times in my life and be sad. There is no question that the loss and pain felt when we experience grief is one of the most distinct and painful feelings in the world. Because it isn’t just mourning the loss, it’s dealing with the anger, the fear, and the loss of hope at time when we need it most. Those are things grief leaves us with or takes from us and it’s easy to hold on to those feelings forever because there is some measure of comfort in those feelings of helplessness. There’s a measure of comfort in channeling anger at God or others. There’s a measure of comfort in the feeling of guilt every time you laugh or smile when you’re supposed to be sad.  

But as life moves on, as it always does, I have found that the grief blessedly shifts, though it never fully goes away. But when I think about my mom today, I don’t feel sad anymore about what I lost, but a distinct joy for what I was given in having her in the first place. That’s a gift that only time and healing can give and it’s not a place that is easy to get to and feel normal. But if I learned anything from 9/11 and losing my mom it’s that life will continue on whether I want it to or not. And only I can choose how I want that life to be in the wake of tragedy and loss. 

We all will eventually walk the same well-worn path of grief in life. It’s a part of the human condition that is universal and one that should be something that brings us together in the recognition that we are all one cancer diagnosis, car accident, illness, or terror attack away from that grief. That doesn’t mean we live in fear or hopelessness, but rather that we take the time to acknowledge what we have in front of us so that one day when we have to suffer through the grief, we can do so with the joy and peace of knowing we didn’t waste a moment. That we didn’t leave anything unsaid. That we loved as we should. Those memories that we will cherish will be the ones that lift us up, put a smile on our faces, and make us look back and say, ‘yes, I suffered a terrible loss, but damn if I am not eternally grateful for the time I had!’ That’s how I can think of my mom today and be at happy. It will never be enough and I will never stop missing her, but I’d rather remember her with joy and thankfulness in my heart than sadness. It’s no less than her legacy deserves. 

Grief is painful and personal. We will all walk our own path and in our own time. And I know not everyone may get to where I am as they mourn. But what I’ve discovered over the last nine years is that grief is love refusing to give up. Grief is love enduring on. And when the time is right, when you’ve moved past the anger, fear, and sadness, that’s a pretty amazing thing to be left with. I have no doubt that the ones we have lost would, in time, want us to embrace the joy of grief and remember them with a smile, rather than tears.

The one about 4th of July

Elizabeth Banak

“Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it.” –Thomas Paine

Happy Independence Day to all!! Let today be the day where we put everything that divides aside. Tune out the politicians, turn off the media, and put aside our differences and disagreements over things important and those not-so-much. 4th of July is not a day to air our grievances or elevate that which seeks to divide us. It’s a day to celebrate those who came before us so that we may revel in the brightness of liberty until the end of days. Those brave men, who risked absolutely everything they had to sign their names to a document that marked them as traitors, did so not just because they were mad over taxes and representation. They did so because to do otherwise would have been a continued anathema to the freedom they knew in their hearts did not come from a king, but from God… from their own humanity. With a firm reliance on divine Providence, they pledged their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to the cause of self-reliance, limited government, and liberty. The Declaration certainly didn’t make America perfect. But it was one hell of a remarkable first shot across the bow. It codified the proper relationship between man and government, laying the foundation for unprecedented freedom, even if it took too long to realize it for every citizen. Those first principles made the rest possible. The odds the Founders overcame teach us as a nation that no set of problems is too much. No division is too strong. Much like today, the men who signed the Declaration had many stark differences, competing interests, and outright disagreements. But they were able to see past all that to stand firmly together in the knowledge that without liberty, none of those differences mattered. They realized that the Declaration was the first promise of a better future. They relied on the hope that those who came after would build on that freedom with each generation, entrenching the value of liberty so deeply into our national identity that it would eventually be realized in full measure. Our uniquely American story started 245 years ago, but it’s not finished being told. It’s up to us to continue to build upon the liberty the Founders codified and laid out so plainly to sign with such conviction. Today, we celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence for providing those first principles that still matter today. Those are the ideas – liberty, unalienable rights, sacred honor- that still have the power to bring us all together today. God Bless America!!

“Freedom is not a gift bestowed upon us by other men, but a right that belongs to us by the laws of God and nature.” –Benjamin Franklin

The one about Father’s Day!

Elizabeth Banak

Father’s Day is always marked with endless ads that remind us that real dads use tools, grill stuff, and for some reason (at least according to the marketing team at Home Depot and Lowe’s) really want a parade of yard gadgets just seem like an awful lot of work! Ha, I guess that’s the price you pay for the privilege of being a dad! You pretend to love the power tool while secretly wondering what the hell you’re ever going to do with it. 

But in truth, Father’s Day will always be about so much more than gifts or cards. I make no overstatement when I say that Father’s Day is a time to celebrate some of the most important men in the world. The men who are always putting others before themselves in a brilliant attempt to show their children what it means to be a good human. Because before any man can be a great father, he must first be a good man. And those good men that choose to be the father’s that we celebrate today are one of the great pillars that hold our households together, our neighborhoods together, and our society together. They hold our children’s lives together with wisdom, love, and understanding. They may not always know what they are doing, and they may not get everything right all the time. But that’s part of the wonder that makes dad’s so special. Even though they are often imperfect, father’s are never more perfect than in the eyes of their children who look up to them only to see a hero, a protector, and a good man. Happy Father’s day to all the amazing dads out there who show up day in and day out to be a man their children can look up to, love, and respect. May you be blessed enough to one day have the privilege of hearing your children telling your grandchildren just how lucky they were to have the most amazing dad ever!

The One About Friends…yes, those Friends!

Elizabeth Banak

Nostalgia is a powerful thing. That longing, wistful affection for days gone by snags all of us time and again and often brings with it a nod to a happy time or place. What nostalgia makes us feel can’t always be explained with words, much to my chagrin (though, clearly I’ll try!). I’ve been thinking about nostalgia lately as frivolous news of the Friends Reunion broke, causing endless excitement among long time fans of the series who could not BE more excited! It’s no surprise this kind of event brings about such widespread anticipation (and in case the blog titles didn’t give it away, I’m a huge fan!). People who watched the show in its heyday, remember it fondly as funny and iconic. It was and still is both of those things. But that alone isn’t always enough to stoke nostalgia in our hearts. People aren’t waiting in an impatient frenzy simply to hear Chandler’s sarcasm again or to finally put the “we were on a break” debate to rest or even to hear iconic phrases like, “I know!” and “How you doin?” again. Fans will remember and enjoy all that. But what makes the reunion idea itself so special is that feeling of nostalgia. Of being transported back to a time when it wasn’t so much that you watched Friends in college, but that you remember watching it sitting around a tiny dorm-room TV laughing together. Or maybe it was the first show you watched as a married couple just starting out. Or while going through a rough time in life, you caught endless reruns on TBS that brought a smile to your face to lift you up one half-hour at a time. That’s the power of things that connect us back to the past. It’s the ability to transport us back to old familiar feelings and make us say, wow, those were good days. It’s that urge to text your friend because you just watched the one with Ross’s paste pants and it still kills you every time. It’s that feeling that no matter how much time passes or what life may throw at you, there will always be something so very simple that has the power to give you good feelings and a bit of joy. And maybe Friends was never your thing. Maybe your show was Golden Girls, or Seinfeld, or Game of Thrones, or Cheers, or The Dick Van Dyke Show, or Fresh Prince of Bel Air, or any one of a hundred other iconic shows that aren’t really all that important in the grand scheme of life, except for the fact that they leave an imprint on our hearts sometimes. And that imprint can last a lifetime, not just because the show was funny or heartwarming, but because we remember those we shared it with. We look back to those times with a fond remembrance and hearty gratitude that there is sometimes a good deal of meaning in frivolous things. Nostalgia lets us remember why things like Pivot!, English trifle, he’s her lobster, wack PlayStation, 18-page letters (front and back!), and Wooopah! are not only hilarious, but comforting reminders of days we will always remember in years that went by too fast.

The One About Mother’s Day

Elizabeth Banak

Mother’s Day without a mother still living is always a bit bittersweet. When I think about my mom on this day, it is always with a bit of introspection on whether or not I am like her as a mom. In some ways I’m certain I am. But in other ways, I know we are as different as night and day. Sometimes that makes me feel like maybe I am doing something wrong, since to me, my mom was “perfect.” But then I think of all the ways many of us moms are so different and it’s clear that there is certainly more than one way to be a great mom. And I am doubtlessly sure that if my mom were still here today, she’d be proud of the mother I became, even if I am not always doing it “her way.”

The only thing that matters, no matter what ‘type’ of mom you are, is that to your kids, you’re pretty perfect! So, Happy Mother’s Day to every mom of every stripe out there doing your thing!

To the Perfect Mom: You exist in your own imagination and boy, are you amazing!

To the Perfectly Average Mom: You may or may not pack the perfect lunch or say the perfect thing every time, but you’re pretty sure the kids will survive just fine either way.

To the Endlessly Energetic Mom: You never met a project you didn’t volunteer for, and other moms often look at you in wonder and say, “Damn!”

To the Worrier Mom: You cringe every time your littles walk out the front door because the world is a scary place. 

To the Yeller Mom: You’re seen, you’re for sure heard (especially in the summer with the windows open), and you don’t mind if people know that sometimes those kids you’d lay down your life for can be real assholes! 

To the Worn Out Mom: You are tired as hell but still kill it day after day for your family because that’s just who you are and you couldn’t stop even if you tried. 

To the Endlessly Patient Mom: No matter what, you always seem to have poise, grace, and understanding in any situation, and who other moms look at and say, “Ha, yeah maybe in another life I could be that amazing!”

To the Nice Mom: You don’t get angry about bad grades as long as the kids tried their best, you will help clean up messes you had no part in making, and you always understand (even if it means you have to bite your tongue clear off!). 

To the Mean Mom: No one wants to be you, but let’s be honest, you are pretty much the bedrock of ordered society!

To the Judgmental Mom: Because, well, sometimes you just can’t help it!

To the Non-judgmental Mom: Because, thankfully, sometimes you see the struggle and can say, “Yep, been there!”

More often than not, we are all a bit of all these moms wrapped into one. Which is what makes motherhood so amazing, exhausting, rewarding, and blessedly imperfect! 

The one about Mom Magic!

Elizabeth Banak

My seven year old is pretty convinced I possess mom magic. And while I may not rival Dr. Strange or Elsa, I challenge anyone else to explain how a scrape that hurt so bad thirty seconds ago was miraculously made better after a simple massage and a kiss on the knee (no wasted bandaids here!). Or how I have “magic” vitamins, which are really just fruit snacks, that can pretty instantly cure most ailments. The answer, mom magic. It’s a force so strong that there are times I’m not convinced I don’t have some unnatural powers! That is, until I realize mom magic is simply a natural consequence of unconditional love.

There is no blind trust greater in this world than the trust a child places in those who care for him or her. There is no greater tribute as a parent than a child whose faith in you is so strong, that it can take away literal pain. And to think about it in those terms, it almost takes my breath away. As parents we are sometimes so afraid of what we may be screwing up, that we often forget all things we are doing right. Maybe we yell too much. Maybe we aren’t as patient as we ought to be. Maybe we spend too much time on our phones. There are probably endless ways we fail everyday, especially at this ridiculous time in history. But in those failures lies the heart of every good parent just trying to do their best. That’s not to say we shouldn’t strive to be better, but take cues on your success from those who know the fruits of your labor. Look into your children’s eyes as they ask you for help, or to cuddle, or how to do something and see in them what they see in you. Not the sum total of all your failure, but the outright certainty of all your success! 

Mom magic is real as far as I can tell. It’s as real as any love that’s ever healed, comforted, laughed, cried, and yes, yelled! It’s as real as any child who believes in the outright goodness of a life they have yet to truly appreciate, but who still somehow understands the true value of unconditional love. And it’s as real as any parent who wakes up everyday to a world that is waiting for them to fail and who decides to tune out that noise and look inward at the life that’s telling them that they are absolutely crushing it! Because if there is one thing I know, mom magic never lies!

The one about Perspective

Elizabeth Banak

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.” ~Alphonse Karr

I am not shy of saying that the keys to a happy life are perspective and gratitude. I think without either of these virtues it is difficult to be blessed with so many of the insights and experiences that define happiness. But I suppose in thinking about perspective, I might be accused of over simplifying things…maybe. Perspective means more than just the obvious, but often unhelpful, knowledge that someone always has it worse. That often hardly matters in life when you are going through a rough patch and it can be eye-roll worthy when someone, albeit with the best of intentions, tries to cajole you into happiness by reminding you of others more poignant misery. But perspective is more than just the way you perceive your reality based on your place in the world. It is the recognition that no matter what you may be going through, there are others who are walking the same journey. This is not to compare ourselves as having it better or worse, but to understand that even though it may feel like it, we are not alone on any journey. Human nature craves shared experiences. It is why we gravitate to people who are like us or who share our values. There is comfort in familiarity. And sometimes those shared experiences are the ones that bring us about as far from happiness as we could ever imagine. But in the midst of that blinding chaos, proper perspective can help us stop asking ‘why me’ and start realizing that’s the wrong question. Why not you? Why not any of us? It is all of us! The unfortunate part of our humanity means we all experience hardships and some people fight battles we will never even know. Proper perspective does not mean we simply relish in the fact that others may be more miserable than we are. It’s the understanding that sometimes we have to accept these hardships as a part of this amazing life we get to live. And that if we truly look around, maybe we might see goodness and grace in the face of tragedy or hardship. In that neighbor who brought you food when your loved one passed away because he remembers the kindness of strangers and friends who did the same for him. In that friend you haven’t heard from in years who sent a card when you got out of the hospital because she understands how scared you were. In the coworker who maybe said the wrong thing, but still offered you a shoulder to cry on because he too had been through hell. In the text from a friend that made you laugh at just the right time because that was something that once helped her stop crying and smile through tears. In the person who patted you on the shoulder and said, yeah I’ve been there done that and it sucks, but you’ll get through it too. That kind of perspective can make hardships easier to bear when we stop thinking as a victim of our circumstances and start thinking as a human with the unyielding ability to persevere. That’s perspective. It’s not denying the pain or hurt or tragedy. Nor is it lessening it by comparing it to others who have it worse. It’s understanding that in the expansive darkness that often colors our humanity, sometimes we must supply our own bright light… and if we are lucky, we will get to share that light with others who need it too.