What is grief, if not love persevering? – Vision
Nine years ago today, I lost my mother to cancer. It is not an understatement to say that it was probably the worst time in my life. I lost my best friend, my cheerleader, my rock, and the woman who helped shape me into the person I am today.
In just a few short weeks we will all commemorate the 20th anniversary of 9/11 and wonder where the time went as we reflect on that terrible day. We will remember with sadness those people who died, a country that mourned, and a wound that may have healed but that still leaves a scar.
It’s very easy to look back on both of those times in my life and be sad. There is no question that the loss and pain felt when we experience grief is one of the most distinct and painful feelings in the world. Because it isn’t just mourning the loss, it’s dealing with the anger, the fear, and the loss of hope at time when we need it most. Those are things grief leaves us with or takes from us and it’s easy to hold on to those feelings forever because there is some measure of comfort in those feelings of helplessness. There’s a measure of comfort in channeling anger at God or others. There’s a measure of comfort in the feeling of guilt every time you laugh or smile when you’re supposed to be sad.
But as life moves on, as it always does, I have found that the grief blessedly shifts, though it never fully goes away. But when I think about my mom today, I don’t feel sad anymore about what I lost, but a distinct joy for what I was given in having her in the first place. That’s a gift that only time and healing can give and it’s not a place that is easy to get to and feel normal. But if I learned anything from 9/11 and losing my mom it’s that life will continue on whether I want it to or not. And only I can choose how I want that life to be in the wake of tragedy and loss.
We all will eventually walk the same well-worn path of grief in life. It’s a part of the human condition that is universal and one that should be something that brings us together in the recognition that we are all one cancer diagnosis, car accident, illness, or terror attack away from that grief. That doesn’t mean we live in fear or hopelessness, but rather that we take the time to acknowledge what we have in front of us so that one day when we have to suffer through the grief, we can do so with the joy and peace of knowing we didn’t waste a moment. That we didn’t leave anything unsaid. That we loved as we should. Those memories that we will cherish will be the ones that lift us up, put a smile on our faces, and make us look back and say, ‘yes, I suffered a terrible loss, but damn if I am not eternally grateful for the time I had!’ That’s how I can think of my mom today and be at happy. It will never be enough and I will never stop missing her, but I’d rather remember her with joy and thankfulness in my heart than sadness. It’s no less than her legacy deserves.
Grief is painful and personal. We will all walk our own path and in our own time. And I know not everyone may get to where I am as they mourn. But what I’ve discovered over the last nine years is that grief is love refusing to give up. Grief is love enduring on. And when the time is right, when you’ve moved past the anger, fear, and sadness, that’s a pretty amazing thing to be left with. I have no doubt that the ones we have lost would, in time, want us to embrace the joy of grief and remember them with a smile, rather than tears.
Elizabeth Banak Books 