Tag: perspective

The one about Thanksgiving

Elizabeth Banak

I have often found that people going through the worst of times are often the most grateful. That seems counter-intuitive, but like most things, gratitude is easier to feel when you’ve overcome hardships to arrive at a place where you can be grateful, maybe not for what you endured, but for those who were with you while you had to endure it. It’s easier to be grateful when you have the perspective of what it means to lean on others even if it was hard to do, or ask for help even if you didn’t want to, because those moments humble us. They make us realize that we all need a little help to make it through, no matter how strong, rich, weak, or poor we might be. 

In a world that can really suck sometimes, the idea of an entire day devoted to being grateful is a true gift. Not just because we should stop and take time to be thankful for what we have, but because gratitude is a gateway to happiness. It is a foundation for a life less about being mired in the bad times and more about celebrating those things that lift us up, give us hope, and help make us whole. 

Gratitude isn’t always easy. Sometimes we have to look incredibly hard to find that glimmer. But it’s always there. Maybe in a kind word from a friend, or a hug from a child, or a simple text from a coworker. Maybe it’s nothing spectacular at all. Maybe it’s receiving a gift you never expected. Or mourning a loved one while remembering all the joy they brought to your life. Opportunities for gratitude are around us everyday, in ways big and small. Opening our eyes to them is sometimes the hard part. But there is nothing more rewarding than that feeling of being grateful in the face of good times and bad, not just because it’s Thanksgiving, but because when we make gratitude a way of life, we will find more moments for which to be truly grateful. 

Happy Thanksgiving to all!!

The one with the unpopular opinion

Elizabeth Banak

I know this won’t be a popular opinion in some circles, but here it is on the covid shot. Get it or don’t, your choice. People who are or have gotten it aren’t mindless sheep bent on submitting to the will of the government because they just love tyranny. They are making the best choice for themselves based on their lives and what may be happening in it. People who choose not to or can’t get it are not selfish, science deniers who care nothing about others because they won’t be told what to do by ‘the man.’ They too are making the best decision for themselves based on their lives and what might be happening in it. Maybe you think either one of those people is wrong. Oh well. Not your life, not your choice. None of us have any idea what someone else may be going through in life that may influence their decision. We can speculate about motives and project our opinion onto those who walk a different path, but it won’t change the fact that they are free to walk that path and to do so with or without anyone else’s approval. If you’ve gotten the shot, great! That doesn’t make you a mindless sheep. If you haven’t gotten it, I assume you know better for yourself than I do for you and it’s not my damn business. That doesn’t make you an uneducated moron. We will always and forever be making different decisions from one another, and if that comes with a cost then I guess we just have to count that bill as the expense of a free society.

The point of this rantish post is simply this: the way to get others to see your point or your side isn’t through shaming them, yelling at them, calling them sheep, calling them selfish, or pretty much most of what I see on the news or social media and from both sides of the proverbial aisle. If you believe in the righteousness of your decisions then lead by example with kindness, compassion, and an open-mind. Or, just mind your own business. The mantra for a while was “we are all in this together.” But the reality is, we aren’t and the reason for that is because there are too many forces using what’s happening to bludgeon us into our little camps of for or against, just like always inevitably happens when the powers that be weaponize a tragedy for political gain. They win, we lose. Every. Single. Time. They aren’t the ones who have to continue to break bread with neighbors, or coworkers, or family members with different views. What do they care if they help rip those ties that bind us together if it means one more tally in their column? Sorry, I am not willing to play. 

And I know in many circles this is a truly unpopular opinion. But it’s the only one to have if you ever want to heal the country when this is all over. Otherwise, this may just be the thing that finally breaks us.

The one about 9/11

Elizabeth Banak

The world is weird, our country is in a very precarious place, and with absolutely everything being political and divisive, reflecting on the 20th anniversary of 9/11 is almost refreshing. Despite the horror of that day, 9/11 represents the best of what it means to be an American. It was a day that we rose to meet the challenges we faced together, as one nation in shared grief and the hope of a better tomorrow. We donated blood by the pint, we held hands with strangers in church, we volunteered in clean up efforts, we donated money, we lent a shoulder to cry on, and we remembered that in spite of our differences, we were a country united. And for a while, no one cared about who you voted for in the last election, or whether or not you were vaccinated, or if you lived in a red or a blue state. I know the unity didn’t last forever because the media and politicians can hardly make money on unity, but I will always remember 9/11 and those days that followed as a time I was incredibly proud of my country. To me, it’s a stark reminder of the need for a little perspective for what we’ve been through and a little gratitude for how we came through it. It seems crazy now to believe we could ever be that united again, especially with so many out there with a vested interest in keeping us divided. The division I see now in the country, exacerbated by politicians, the media, and sadly by us on social media reflect a country divided by fear, politics, and desire to tear down rather than build up. A desire to trade freedom for a false sense of safety. A desire to cast off fellow Americans for having differing opinions. A desire to reduce those with whom we disagree to dumb, selfish, racist, socialist, or just plain evil. A desire to trash America for past faults without realizing America has been the greatest beacon of hope and freedom the world has ever known. A desire to signal virtue without actually affecting any real change. So now I look at the commemoration of 9/11 as a beacon of hope that all can be made right again if we can just remember that we are Americans first, not Republican or Democrats, not vaccinated or unvaccinated, not red or blue states. Perhaps it’s a naive hope, but the alternative is to give in and give up. We are going through many tragic things as a nation now and we are very divided. But as 9/11 showed us, wonderful things can be born out of tragedy, but only if we have the wisdom and perspective to harness what is good and the eternal gratitude that ensures we will remember it forever. If we can do that, those precious souls that died on 9/11 and our brave men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice after will not have given their lives in vain. God bless America now and always!

The one about the joy of grief

Elizabeth Banak

What is grief, if not love persevering? – Vision

Nine years ago today, I lost my mother to cancer. It is not an understatement to say that it was probably the worst time in my life. I lost my best friend, my cheerleader, my rock, and the woman who helped shape me into the person I am today.

In just a few short weeks we will all commemorate the 20th anniversary of 9/11 and wonder where the time went as we reflect on that terrible day. We will remember with sadness those people who died, a country that mourned, and a wound that may have healed but that still leaves a scar. 

It’s very easy to look back on both of those times in my life and be sad. There is no question that the loss and pain felt when we experience grief is one of the most distinct and painful feelings in the world. Because it isn’t just mourning the loss, it’s dealing with the anger, the fear, and the loss of hope at time when we need it most. Those are things grief leaves us with or takes from us and it’s easy to hold on to those feelings forever because there is some measure of comfort in those feelings of helplessness. There’s a measure of comfort in channeling anger at God or others. There’s a measure of comfort in the feeling of guilt every time you laugh or smile when you’re supposed to be sad.  

But as life moves on, as it always does, I have found that the grief blessedly shifts, though it never fully goes away. But when I think about my mom today, I don’t feel sad anymore about what I lost, but a distinct joy for what I was given in having her in the first place. That’s a gift that only time and healing can give and it’s not a place that is easy to get to and feel normal. But if I learned anything from 9/11 and losing my mom it’s that life will continue on whether I want it to or not. And only I can choose how I want that life to be in the wake of tragedy and loss. 

We all will eventually walk the same well-worn path of grief in life. It’s a part of the human condition that is universal and one that should be something that brings us together in the recognition that we are all one cancer diagnosis, car accident, illness, or terror attack away from that grief. That doesn’t mean we live in fear or hopelessness, but rather that we take the time to acknowledge what we have in front of us so that one day when we have to suffer through the grief, we can do so with the joy and peace of knowing we didn’t waste a moment. That we didn’t leave anything unsaid. That we loved as we should. Those memories that we will cherish will be the ones that lift us up, put a smile on our faces, and make us look back and say, ‘yes, I suffered a terrible loss, but damn if I am not eternally grateful for the time I had!’ That’s how I can think of my mom today and be at happy. It will never be enough and I will never stop missing her, but I’d rather remember her with joy and thankfulness in my heart than sadness. It’s no less than her legacy deserves. 

Grief is painful and personal. We will all walk our own path and in our own time. And I know not everyone may get to where I am as they mourn. But what I’ve discovered over the last nine years is that grief is love refusing to give up. Grief is love enduring on. And when the time is right, when you’ve moved past the anger, fear, and sadness, that’s a pretty amazing thing to be left with. I have no doubt that the ones we have lost would, in time, want us to embrace the joy of grief and remember them with a smile, rather than tears.

The one about Perspective

Elizabeth Banak

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.” ~Alphonse Karr

I am not shy of saying that the keys to a happy life are perspective and gratitude. I think without either of these virtues it is difficult to be blessed with so many of the insights and experiences that define happiness. But I suppose in thinking about perspective, I might be accused of over simplifying things…maybe. Perspective means more than just the obvious, but often unhelpful, knowledge that someone always has it worse. That often hardly matters in life when you are going through a rough patch and it can be eye-roll worthy when someone, albeit with the best of intentions, tries to cajole you into happiness by reminding you of others more poignant misery. But perspective is more than just the way you perceive your reality based on your place in the world. It is the recognition that no matter what you may be going through, there are others who are walking the same journey. This is not to compare ourselves as having it better or worse, but to understand that even though it may feel like it, we are not alone on any journey. Human nature craves shared experiences. It is why we gravitate to people who are like us or who share our values. There is comfort in familiarity. And sometimes those shared experiences are the ones that bring us about as far from happiness as we could ever imagine. But in the midst of that blinding chaos, proper perspective can help us stop asking ‘why me’ and start realizing that’s the wrong question. Why not you? Why not any of us? It is all of us! The unfortunate part of our humanity means we all experience hardships and some people fight battles we will never even know. Proper perspective does not mean we simply relish in the fact that others may be more miserable than we are. It’s the understanding that sometimes we have to accept these hardships as a part of this amazing life we get to live. And that if we truly look around, maybe we might see goodness and grace in the face of tragedy or hardship. In that neighbor who brought you food when your loved one passed away because he remembers the kindness of strangers and friends who did the same for him. In that friend you haven’t heard from in years who sent a card when you got out of the hospital because she understands how scared you were. In the coworker who maybe said the wrong thing, but still offered you a shoulder to cry on because he too had been through hell. In the text from a friend that made you laugh at just the right time because that was something that once helped her stop crying and smile through tears. In the person who patted you on the shoulder and said, yeah I’ve been there done that and it sucks, but you’ll get through it too. That kind of perspective can make hardships easier to bear when we stop thinking as a victim of our circumstances and start thinking as a human with the unyielding ability to persevere. That’s perspective. It’s not denying the pain or hurt or tragedy. Nor is it lessening it by comparing it to others who have it worse. It’s understanding that in the expansive darkness that often colors our humanity, sometimes we must supply our own bright light… and if we are lucky, we will get to share that light with others who need it too.